Posted 2017-08-09 08:07:02 -0700 by /articles?author=hope-hagerty
By Jess Howard
I started experiencing night terrors and sleep paralysis on and off for six months. I felt scared and terribly alone even though I was surrounded by people that loved me. In my grief, I knew God was there, but the only thing in the world I wanted was to understand. Because during those months, the thing that I craved the most was for someone, anyone to identify with the pain going on in my heart. Something that seemed the farthest out of reach. Fighting disappointment and looking for love, I became the slave of people's affirmation. So they became my addiction. It hurt too much to trust God. I couldn't stand being alone. I was afraid of who I was when I was by myself. Disappointment after disappointment enveloped my life. And I almost reached my breaking point.
It was in a very specific moment of heartache that I realized the only One who could heal me was God. Nothing else would do anymore. No more substitutes, no more distractions. So I gave in and let Him into my mess. It was and is still quite the process. But throughout the next six months began a journey of my heart being healed, ever so slowly. God started planting me in a family, something that I had wanted ever since getting back to Minnesota. I started learning how to be vulnerable, not just transparent with people. It was in worship that He showed me who He was. God did so much in my heart during the first Burn especially. It was instrumental in healing my heart. The last hour of worship, I walked into the room and felt the most free I had in a year. When the worship came to a close, my friend Elise had a word of knowledge for night terrors. I remember thinking that the freedom that I felt when I walked in was already mine, and the word of knowledge was simply a confirmation that God set me free. And to this day, I haven't had night terrors. He truly is who He says He is.
And so the gradual unraveling of my heart was set in motion as I yielded to the Father; a process that began long before I made the decision to trust Him again. He went after my heart and made it his mission for me to be known. I feel like a new person. I'm still believing God for physical healing, but what's changed is that He has given me the faith for it. It used to be easier to believe for other people's healing. Now, I know that it's His perfect will for me to be fully healed. A new anticipation has filled my life with hopeful expectancy that things can and will be different. A faith that He is who He says He is, and He will remain true to His character. Most recently, He led me on a journey of learning to love myself and to stop performing for people's affection. His unconditional love is shattering the fear and insecurities I've carried my whole life. And I'm beginning to catch the glimpses of the truth that my life is destined for greatness, no matter how much the shame that I carried made me want to hide my face. His light is breaking through the darkness that tried to destroy my destiny. The destiny that I get to be a part of God's family and I was made for connection. I was made for love.
I write this today with a healed heart. Nothing else in the universe could make me whole except His unrelenting love and presence in my life. He lovingly showed me how He sees me, even in my mess, the imperfection that I tried to hide my entire life. He exposed my heart and loved me into healing. He stuck around for the long haul. I still have my days, but through it all, He has never let me go, and He never will.
This is part of a longer blog post on the Burn Fargo web site. You can view the full blog post here: https://www.theburnfm.com/single-post/2017/07/19/Redemption-Story-God-is-My-Healingcomments powered by Disqus